Field Guide to Children

A word about children. Those small items you may happen to find scampering around your home.  When dealing with these minute forces of nature you need remember only a few things. I will attempt to teach you some of these things as time goes by and under my expert tutoring you may find that with practice you can avert most disasters. The first step to any field guide is identifying habits.

Defying the Laws of the Universe

Gravity is a force of nature so profound that we have to shoot ourselves into space just to be rid of it. HOWEVER, the common child ( Humanus Minimus ) possesses the ability to make gravity look like a simple fool. When frightened or confronted with an object of sincere value that you are attempting to conceal (possibly a runny cheerio) the child will fall or otherwise lunge to the ground losing all bodily control. This will render  your efforts to move him/her useless as he/she has now bent the laws of physics and is the exact weight of a Green Bay Packer lineman. Were you to attach a Semi-truck to one of the legs and start driving in a sort of New York-ish direction the resulting cataclysm would send the Semi flying into the nearby trees of your neighbors immaculate yard.